How To Cheat at Golf
I have been around the game of golf since I was a young teenager, working as a caddie at a private country club. I have played over 2,000 rounds with hundreds of golfers and participate in amateur tournaments and match play at my private golf clubs. I have observed the most gross violations of the rules on the course, as well as how golfers rig official handicaps. The following is a summary of the best tactics to win at golf by cheating.
On the course:
Improve your golf ball lie or position on the course. This is best accomplished by a little foot kick or a short flick of a golf iron. Never actually pick up the ball and flip it because your playing partners might observe your actions. Here’s another great suggestion…keep another golf ball in your pocket (with a small hole) to surreptitiously drop the ball down your pant leg without anyone seeing it, but always be certain the second ball is the same brand and markings as the first ball in case the other golfers know what ball you’re played from the tee.
- Bribe a caddie to walk well ahead of the group to your ball location and use one of the techniques above. In a match, also demand the caddie puts your opponent’s ball in a difficult lie.
- On the putting green, be very generous on the distance to the hole for a “gimme”. If the local practice is to use the putter grip for an “in the leather” rule for a “gimme”, use a putter with a longer shaft or one with a much shorter grip.
- If a bush obstructs your swing angle, use your body, or ask your caddie to bend the branches back to allow an unobstructed swing. Better yet, have a metal clipper in your bag so the branch can simply be cut.
- If your golf ball lands in long rough, stomp on the grass or weeds repeatedly stepping until you have a clear path to strike the golf ball. If your golf shoes have spikes, for a better effect, use the bottom of the golf shoe to dig a clear path.
- Use ample mulligans. Justify hitting a second ball by blaming a playing partner or caddie for creating a distraction or for other surprises…a sudden car horn, an overhead airplane, a bird or animal sound, an unexpected wind change, etc. Be creative.
- Never take a 2-shot penalty if you hit your ball out of bounds…blame the owner of the club for being too cheap for not buying enough land when the course was designed. Without taking a penalty, drop your golf ball near the spot where it sailed over the OB stake.
- Never identify your golf ball brand to your playing partners in advance or mark your golf ball. If you can’t find your own ball in the rough but discover an abandoned ball, claim it as your shot.
- When marking your golf ball on the green, quickly nudge the mark an inch forward under the ball; when replacing the ball, hover your hand over the ball and spot it at least 2 inches ahead of the mark.
- Create a distraction and simultaneously tap the golf ball a few inches closer to the hole on the green.
- When hitting out of a sand bunker, never play the shot if anyone can see the ball…you want to be able to touch the sand behind the ball to help your focus without incurring a penalty.
- Tee your golf ball at least a yard in front of the tee markers.
- Insist on being the scorekeeper for the group and record a few lower scores than you actually had. Your playing partners may never audit the final scorecard.
- If another player is scoring, just lie about your reported score. Very few players will ever challenge your count.
- Tell your playing partners that you’re keeping your own score by using an app or simply suggest you have perfect memory to recall your score on every hole.
- Even if the scorekeeper has been focused on recording every player’s score properly hole by hole, distract the scorekeeper at the conclusion of the round, swiftly swipe the scorecard, and immediately destroy it. When the scorekeeper attempts to reconstruct individual scores for 18 holes, you can easily lie about your score on a few holes… no one can possibly remember every shot for 4 players.
Recording scores for handicap posting
- Most regular golfers have an official handicap used for adjusting scores for competition. The easiest way to cheat is to tell your opponents you don’t maintain a handicap. You can then make up a high number.
- If you have an official handicap, add a few strokes to your score when posting.
- Never record a great score.
- If someone checks the handicap system and confronts you for not recording scores, simply tell them you forgot; if they see an inflated score posted, blame the pro shop for mistakenly entering your score; or you accidentally typed in an incorrect the score because of your fat fingers or nervousness when using a laptop. If you are really desperate for an excuse, explain that you have been diagnosed with dementia.
- When posting your score into the handicap system, type your inflated score to match the easiest tee than the one you actually played…this can easily add 2 or 3 strokes to your official handicap.
- Add inflated scores from other courses, whether you physically played them or not…no one can possibly follow you around to check where and when you play outside of your regular club.
- Currently, the official scoring rule limits your maximum score on a hole to two shots above the course handicap for that hole. To inflate your official score posting, ignore this rule.
- Play alone and record terrible scores.
There are hundreds of official rules in the game of golf. One general excuse for cheating is that you’ve never had the time to read the rules book.