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Airplane Toilet Challenges (Part II)

How often have you had the urge to pee when the attendants block the aisles behind your row with service carts? Obviously, the only option is to use the first-class toilet, although the purser has drawn the curtain that separates the cabins. Here are the recommended steps:

  • Tug the curtain aside, acting confident like you’re a first-class passenger.
  • When the bitchy purser becomes confrontational, point at the service carts blocking your path to the rear restrooms.
  • Patiently listen to the purser’s lecture about the privacy of the first-class cabin.
  • Jump from one leg to another when the purser orders you to return to your seat.
  • Cross your legs and hold your crotch with both hands.
  • Offer a five-dollar bribe Skip directly to a twenty-dollar bribe to the purser to allow use of the toilet.
  • Curse at the attendant for rejecting your offer.
  • Return to your seat and begin to battle the series of pain signals detailed above.
  • Order Politely ask the coach cabin attendants to move the carts, although they’ll announce that the beverage service will be completed shorty.
  • Look back from your seat every two ten seconds, checking if the attendants have completed the beverage service.
  • Confounded why the mutants attendants are so slow, scream by calling them retarded mentally challenged.

Two minutes later, the purser strolls down the aisle to collect trash in the coach section…another opportunity to initiate the following action plan:

  • Jump up immediately and dart through the curtain toward the first-class toilet.
  • Curse when you note the toilet is occupied with a geezer an older gentleman waiting beside the door.
  • When the asshole purser returns to the first-class cabin, slip into the open first row aisle seat, hoping it was vacated by the person in the toilet.
  • Explain your plight to the passenger in the adjacent seat. If the person doesn’t react, assume the person must be an idiot foreigner who doesn’t understand English.
  • When the purser returns with a coffee service, reach down at the floor, pretending to locate something that you dropped.
  • Pat yourself on the back when the purser passes by without noticing you.
  • When the toilet light goes out, immediately stand up and beat the old guy into the toilet.
  • After you fail to win the race, greet the passenger exiting the toilet with a smile, noting he takes the aisle seat that you just vacated.
  • Lean against the toilet door, so you can hear what’s going on in there. Take a spot next to the toilet.
  • As the urge to urinate becomes overwhelming, cross your legs.
  • Check your watch every ten seconds and repeatedly knock on the door.
  • As minutes pass, place both hands tightly over your crotch and begin to hop.
  • After the toilet door opens a crack, shout out your emergency to the old man.
  • Wrestle with him to open the door.
  • Pound on the locked door repeatedly after the jerk he wins the tussle.
  • Apologize to the purser who observes the disruption.
  • Beg for forgiveness after the purser threatens you with an arrest upon arrival.
  • Pivot to a corner in the front galley to release the urine.
  • Promptly follow steps 10-18 outlined in Part I below.

 

Airplane Toilet Challenges (Part I)

Most of you have flown on an airplane at some point in your life and probably had to use the toilet facilities on a flight. Most of the older planes were better designed for travelers, however, as time has passed, the airlines have added more rows, shrunk the seat widths, eliminated a potty or two, and shrunk the size of the restroom. They might as well post a sign outside the toilet door… “skinny folks only”.

Have you ever rushed to the gate to board a plane and didn’t have time for a last restroom stop? And then, how often is your plane held in the staging area for some senseless reason? The pilot repeatedly warns everyone several times to stay seated, but suddenly, the alarm arrives that you need to pee piss urinate. Initially, you likely suppress the urgency to go and congratulate yourself on the immediate victory, but five minutes later, as the impulse gets more acute, the situation becomes serious. At that moment, the following instructions are recommended.

  • Squirm into multiple positions in the seat.
  • Stretch and compress your hips tightly.
  • Bite your lip
  • Pray that the pilot turns the seat belt sign off.
  • Risk arrest by unbuckling the seat belt and plot a mad dash to the toilet.

Shit Unfortunately, it’s too late as the plane starts rolling down the runway. Sweat Perspiration now pours down your forehead and your armpits release more liquid than a leaky faucet. With the plane a mere three thousand feet in the air, you’re desperate and capitulate using the following steps:

  • Race to the rear toilets as fast as you can.
  • Avoid any eye contact with the passengers.
  • Cover your ears Pretend you cannot hear the flight attendants, who scream into the intercom for you to return to your seat.
  • Avoid bumping into the passengers along the way.
  • Congratulate yourself on reaching the toilet door.

Surprisingly, the folding toilet door is apparently stuck and will not open, so use the following scheme:

  • 1. Kick the door several times.
  • 2. When a stewardess leans around the corner from her galley seat, distort your face and hold your crotch with your right hand.
  • 3. Pretend you’re deaf, unable to hear the flight attendant, who informs you that the toilet door remains locked until the seat belt light is turned off by the pilot.
  • 4. Jump from one leg to another when the attendant orders you to return to your seat.
  • 5. Cross your legs and hold your crotch with both hands.
  • 6. Offer the attendant a five-dollar bribe to open the toilet door.
  • 7. Offer the attendant a ten-dollar bribe to open the toilet door.
  • 8. Offer the attendant a twenty-dollar bribe to open the toilet door.
  • 9. Give the attendant the “bird” Swear under your breath at the attendant for rejecting your offers.
  • 10. Relax as the warm urine runs down your leg, soaking your pants and underwear.
  • 11. Congratulate yourself on wearing black pants…the wet stains aren’t that obvious.
  • 12. Before a puddle of urine collects on the thin carpet, nonchalantly scrape the pee across the surface with the edges of your shoes.
  • 13. Grab a magazine from the closest seat back and quickly return to your seat, holding the magazine in front of your crotch area.
  • 14. As you prepare to sit, point out toward the window to distract the adjacent passenger.
  • 15. Cross your legs and tell the neighboring passenger you’re warm.
  • 16. Open the air vent to the limit, pointing it toward your wet pants.
  • 17. Fall asleep Pretend to fall asleep.
  • 18. Get off the plane quickly after it lands.
  • 19. Change clothes in the first restroom you pass in the terminal.

 

Baseball…America’s Favorite Pastime Nap-time

The long, boring Major League baseball season has started and once again, the old fogies who control the rules rejected ideas about speeding up the sport…so baseball still barely edges out watching paint dry or grass grow in a list of most exciting events. The committee has some new concepts, but use Spring Training games or the minor leagues to test the ideas. I predict that one minor change will be adopted over the next twenty years. Team owners, however, are very content to maintain outdated rules to ensure that games continue at an excruciatingly slow pace to encourage more beer sales and time for fans to buy overpriced crap at the concession and souvenir stands.

The sport must be turned upside down to speed up the game and add more entertainment value, especially for fans who don’t understand how the game is played. Here are my recommendations:

  • All batters start out running toward the current third base and then around the base path clock-wise, which seems logical moving in a forward direction. I could never understand why they’ve run backwards all this time.
  • Let’s get rid of the confusing terms. For example, a pinch runner or hitter is not actually pinched before entering a game, so let’s simply call that player a substitute (“sub” for short). A baseball striking the foul line is in fair territory, so logically, the white line is now called the fair line. The word “ball” can be easily be confused with a baseball, so a pitch formerly called a ball will now be termed a “miss” and an “out” will now be termed a “kill.” The word “run” is easily confused with “race” or “go” and therefore will be replaced with “dit” (short for digit). A homerun is now called a “1-dit” and likewise, what were formerly known as a 3-run-homerun and a 2-run homerun are now “3-dit” and “2-dit” respectively. Obviously, a grand-slam homer will be a “4-dit”. Finally, since no bulls have ever been seen in a baseball park, the term “bullpen” is replaced by “snooze-zone”, since relief pitchers have always taken long naps there.
  • Tagging the runner with a baseball or a force-out at a base is boring. Infielders must now tackle the runner to the ground to record a kill. All base umpires will be replaced by wrestling judges who are more qualified to decide a take-down.
  • Baseball is the only professional sport where the outfield dimensions can vary from park-to-park, so an annual contest among fans will determine the park with the most creative design. Unique field characteristics have always been a part of baseball history, such as the old Yankee Stadium, where statues of famous players were placed in deep right filed. The left-center field wall at old Forbes Field in Pittsburgh was so far from home plate that the batting cage was stored there during live games. Boston has the famous “green monster” and the LA Dodgers initially played at the Coliseum, where a huge net was erected above the left field wall, a mere 250 feet from home plate. Crosley Filed in Cincinnati had an outfield terrace near the wall, where the outfielders had to run up an incline. The Polo Grounds layout was certainly different.
  • There is simply too much green grass in the outfield, although various mowing patterns have been adopted in recent years to add some creativity. However, at least four colors must be used in the future to paint sections, creating unique patterns.
  • The home plate umpire will be replaced by a robot, whose right arm is programmed to dramatically signal strikes. To help amateur fans, voices of famous actors will be used to call strikes and misses over the public address system.
  • Players are no longer allowed to leave the batter’s box after they step in. The penalty is an automatic kill if they do. Batting gloves are not permitted either, so incessant delays for unwrapping and rewrapping them are eliminated.
  • Pitchers must throw a pitch within five seconds of receiving the ball. If they violate the rule, the batter will be allowed to hit the baseball off a batting tee set up on home plate.
  • Players will be encouraged to color their beards and tank tops will be allowed for players to exhibit armpit hair.
  • The home team will pitch with yellow baseballs while the visitors use traditional white ones.
  • Player’s uniforms will be fashioned by famous clothing designers.
  • The only tattoos permitted will be the image of the team mascot, nickname, or insignia.
  • Players will have ten seconds to take their positions in the field to start an inning after three kills are recorded. Therefore, no more silly fan contest stunts or distracting scoreboard advertising pitches. Failure to meet the ten second limit will result in a reduction of one point, even it results in a negative score.
  • With the huge number of Latin players populating Major League rosters, a few batting terms will be in Spanish. A single is a “soltero” (i. e. “the batter hit a soltero into centerfield”); a double is a “doble” (i. e. “the batter lined a drive down the left field fair line for a doble”); a triple is a triple (pronounced trip-lay).
  • Only one relief pitcher will be permitted for each team during a game, eliminating wasted time for relievers to get to the mound from the snooze-zone, to throw warm-up pitches, and catcher consultation to set the pitch signs.
  • In the past, 4 balls resulted in a “walk”, encouraging batters to saunter to first base. To speed the game along, “walk” is now replaced with “sprint”, requiring the batter to sprint to first base within five seconds. The penalty will be a kill if the player doesn’t make it in time.
  • Under the new rules, 3 misses constitute a “sprint” and 2 strikes constitute a “kill”.
  • Limit the game to 7 innings. In the event of a tie, the winner will be determined by a fastest representative from each team to chug a 16-ounce beer. A new league statistic will be created for the quickest time without spilling. The Las Vegas betting odds currently favor the rep from the Milwaukee Brewers.
  • “Take Me Out to the Ballgame,” the traditional baseball song, is obsolete and banned in every ballpark. It will be replaced with a new tune “Béisbol’s Been Very Good to Me”. The lyrics and the melody will be written by Stevie Wonder and played during the 4th inning stretch. With only ten seconds allowed between innings, the song will continue to be played during live action.
  • With the problems in the Catholic Church regarding priests, the Major League Office has requested that the San Diego baseball club owners drop the name “Padres”. In addition, after two years of investigation, the Mueller Report has concluded that the Cincinnati Reds baseball has ties to Russia, so the League Office has also requested that the club owners drop the name “Reds” immediately.
  • The “wave” is getting too old. To create more fan interaction, a new concept called “pop-up” will be directed by the public address system and the scoreboard. Every ten seconds a random section of the stadium will be announced and displayed on the scoreboard. The fans will pop up immediately and scream loudly. The fans in the section with the best performance will be given a ten-cent coupon to purchase a pop (soda) at a concession stand.
  • Starting in June and each month thereafter, the team in each league with the lowest attendance will be allowed to have three naked men and three women contestants participate in a “streaking” contest between the 6th and 7th innings for 10 games during the month.

The list could be longer, but that’s a good start…too many revolutionary changes will destroy the spirit of the game. My prediction is that the average game will take no more than sixty minutes, unless there are too many injuries with the runner take-downs. It should be entertaining for fans and players alike.

So, now let’s Play BALL! … I mean Play BASEBALL!